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the
happiness habit
'Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.'
Abraham Lincoln
I'm happy. My Email software has developed a frustrating problem, it's been raining
for days, the car has sprung a leak which will be very expensive to fix - and
I'm still happy.
How can I tell? How can anyone know when they're happy? What does happiness mean?
Predictably, the term means different things to different people at different
times in their lives. For myself, I like the definition 'An enduring feeling of
contentment and capability' - a sense that life is good on the whole, and that
you can deal with whatever happens.
what
do you really want?
Since Aristotle, many thinkers
have concluded that everything we do is ultimately aimed at achieving happiness.
We save for a holiday, long for an impressive car, have another drink, get to
know popular people, strive for success - all because we think it will make us
happy. A
friend once told me, while I was hoping to sign a recording contract, 'Careful
what you wish for - you may get it'. I was offered the contract, signed it and
almost immediately it became a disaster. Soon after, I was spending a lot of effort
on getting released from it. We
tend to confuse what we actually want with things we think will get it for us
- and we can learn from our experience.
One sure way to increase your happiness quotient is by making sure the things
you do every day fit in with the things you find important - your values. I know
successful businessmen who neglect their families by working sixty-hour weeks.
When we discuss their careers I usually learn that all their effort is dedicated
to giving their families the very best: a private education, a lavish lifestyle.
I know wives of such men who feel lonely and unhappy and wish for a simpler, closer
way of living. Whoever
said 'Time is money' was wrong - you can lose money and make it again.
Those businessmen often find ways of creating a different balance between work
and home, often by learning to let go of things they had felt the need to control
and learning how to trust others more and share the load.
happiness is something you do
More recently, during training for my work, I realised a vital point about happiness:
it isn't a thing or a place or something that happens to us, it's an activity.
Now I think of it in that way I feel better. I have a lot of choice in what I
do, so the chances are that I can do more happiness - hey, it works for me.
Author Andrew Matthews writes on happiness:
'It is like maintaining a nice home - you've got to hang on to your treasures
and throw out the garbage.'
finding
flow
In his book 'Finding Flow', Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
describes how he and his team found ways of tracking just how happy people are
at different times of day. The key is 'Flow' - a combination of high challenge
and high skill. People experience flow in different ways, but some things are
common to all. At
such times '…what we feel, what we wish and what we think are in harmony.
These moments are what I have called flow experiences ….. athletes refer
to it as being "in the zone"… '.
For me, flow is when I lose track of time because I'm so absorbed in what I'm
doing.
swept away
We tend to feel some flow when working,
travelling, talking, socialising and having sex. Our strongest experiences of
flow tend to be our hobbies and sports, or when responding to a great movie or
performance (not passively watching, but on the edge of our seats) or being swept
away by music or an exciting football match. The
opposite of flow would be deep in an apathetic trance, like the Royle family,
gaping at the TV. Flow goes with active, rather than passive enjoyment. It involves
stretching ourselves by operating near the limits of our skill. We
do flow activities because we like doing them, rather than simply because we imagine
they will bring us some benefit. In the process we may experience frustration,
pain or expense, yet we still want to take part.
the happiness
habit
The more I work with people to help
them achieve what they want, the more I believe that attention is the key. We
all know the story of the optimist and the pessimist looking at the same glass
which contains water up to the halfway mark. To the optimist, the glass is half-full,
to the pessimist it's half empty. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist
sees the hole. One
looks for what's wrong, the other for what's right. What are they actually doing
that's different from each other?
When you concentrate on something repeatedly, nerve cells in your brain link up
to form networks that act a bit like electrical circuits, each designed to do
a particular thing. The thing each circuit does is an unconscious programme, better
known as a habit. People
normally form habits through repetition. The first time you go somewhere you need
to look for street names, maybe read a map. When you're used to going there you
can do it without giving it any attention. The fact is, we spend most of our lives
doing our habits. This is fine. As long as your habits are in harmony with your
values, you tend to be pretty happy.
new habits
for old
If your values and habits work against
each other they can prevent you from growing as a person, stop you from being
able to relax or cause you to dislike yourself. So is this just too bad, or can
you really change? Well,
it depends on how much of your attention you're prepared to commit to changing.
You see, you form habits by shining the light of your attention on doing something
until you can do it automatically. That leaves your attention free for the next
learning. When you want to change that habit, you need to give your attention,
first to unlearning, then to replacing it. (In my experience this is most effectively
and quickly done in trance.) Much
of my work is helping people to be in charge of the part of the brain that is
the switchbox for their attention so that they can focus on things that bring
them flow.
The formula is very simple: whatever you put your attention on fills your life.
choosing
a vision
This fact goes way beyond the subject
of happiness. Top athletes use techniques of mental rehearsal to prepare themselves
for success. It's no accident that the term Vision is so prominent in current
thinking. When top performers are studied closely, to find out what the vital
difference is, they always create vivid images in their minds of what they want.
It
seems that the more detailed and desirable the images are the more powerful the
effect. Naturally, they still have to do all the preparation and hard work but
those factors alone don't guarantee success, it's the combination of all the elements
that makes an outstanding performer.
little voices
In my head
When it comes to happiness, high achievement
may not be as important as the way we choose to focus on certain aspects of our
lives. Some people run a commentary in their mind's ear. Whatever they do, they
criticise themselves.
'…there you go again… typical! Whatever you do it goes wrong…you
fool…'
Some people act as if they could read minds. They usually don't like what they
guess people are thinking about them.
'…did you see the way she looked at you? You know what that means don't
you? She thinks you're stupid…' or 'I wish I hadn't come…they're sneering
at me because I'm not as successful…..' Those
little voices are auditory habits that were originally intended to help you, but
have now become unhelpful. You can probably stop doing them by ignoring the words
and turning the sound of the voice into something absurd - like Donald Duck, or
whoever makes you laugh. People
I have worked with have used the voices of Eddie Izzard, Harry Hill, Frankie Howerd,
Victoria Wood and many others. Have a go and see what happens to how you feel.
don't worry
- be happy
Broadly speaking, anxiety is imagining
what you don't want and then responding in your body as if it were happening in
the present. Feeling down might involve focusing on past unhappiness and feeling
as if it was still happening or only hearing criticism, never praise. These
are simplifications, but they reveal the kinds of processes that underly these
unhappy conditions. In each case, the individual is following habits of mind,
often learnt early in life when we are inexperienced and impressionable. The good
news is that these are only habits and habits can be changed. In
many cases all you need to do is remember to do the behaviour you want for a new
habit every day for three weeks continuously and it will become automatic. Some
habits are easier to change than others. For losing the more persistent bad habits
there are specialist techniques to help you succeed.
greater
expectations
I don't mean to give the impression
that everyone needs to go around smiling constantly. Tragedies and disappointments
happen and it's important to let yourself feel what you feel at the time. Covering
up your emotions can lead to bigger problems later on. What
I mean is, just as you expect a cut to stop bleeding and heal after a while, it's
reasonable to expect to move on after grieving or hurting. Nobody needs to put
up with persistent unhappiness these days. We
have learned more about how our minds work in the last thirty years than in the
whole of history and the news is encouraging.
accepting
your own power
I have known a great many people who
have changed their minds about who they are and what they can reasonably expect
from life. A
woman I know decided that she could do more than work at menial tasks for low
wages by accepting that she could learn new things. When she told her boss why
she was leaving, the boss said 'You'll never amount to anything'. She signed up
for a training course and found she was right - she could learn. She enjoyed it
so much that she learned how to train others. Now
she earns well over double her previous income organising courses and trainers
and encouraging other people to believe in themselves. She altered the way she
saw herself - from 'I won't expect much so I won't be disappointed' to
'I have the right to choose how I live my life and how I respond to the world'.
She
isn't pretending, rather she has accepted her own power and chosen to wake up
to the possibilities life offers.
As Henry Ford said: 'Whether you think you can or you think you can't -
you're right'. Article
written by Graham Smith home | 
